Femme Fatale Guide: How To Cultivate Self-Love & Boost Self-Esteem
Acknowledging these two truths is essential:
You have inherent worth. No one can deprive or deplete you of this value – except yourself.
Only you can be the hero of your own life. It’s no one’s obligation to be your personal cheerleader – except you.
Understanding that only you are responsible and able to generate your sense of happiness and fulfillment sets you free.
HowTo Practice Self-Love:
Discover and live by your values: Unapologetically! Some of the best advice I ever got when I was in high school (the OG Tumblr era lol) was this sentiment that I still live by: It’s important to live your life with respect and consideration for others but to never live for others. Your life is for YOU, not THEM. Remember: Self-neglect has a domino effect. You don’t know how to provide others with the proper emotional space and validation until you first give it yourself.
Find what gives you energy: What activities, habits, and people in your life help you feel alive and most connected? Lean into these routines. Make it a priority to spend time with these valuable people who earned a place in your inner circle. Give yourself the gift of ease whenever possible. Life is hard enough just by virtue of existing and having to engage with society daily.
How To Build Self-Esteem:
Gain confidence in your areas of mastery: Affirm your strengths. These can be character traits, skillsets, accomplishments, etc. Any truths about your personality and achievements that you can use to hype yourself up. While being delusional has its place when setting goals, I’ve found it easier to internalize naturally healthy levels of confidence and self-esteem when I can back it up with facts or experiences grounded in reality.
Perceive your past mistakes as life lessons: Understand that every decision can serve as a data point. Every action has a certain outcome – whether that’s positive or negative. Seek to understand how your behavior, actions, and reactions shaped either outcome. Lean into the patterns that created positive results and adjust those that led to negative results when encountering similar situations in the future.
Release the desire for revenge: Stop giving away your power to others. Stay in your own lane, unbothered. The ultimate revenge is personal success and fulfillment.
Acknowledge what’s outside of your control: Don’t internalize outcomes that occurred due to external factors outside of your control. Other people’s actions, reactions, mannerisms, criticisms, and praise are most often (if not always) a reflection of how they perceive themselves. Detach yourself from the outcome or approval of others. Once you gain an understanding of yourself, your values, how you want to show up in the world, and ways to feel secure in your own skin, it’s easier to stay objective when dealing with a high-stakes situation, conversation, or conflict. Once you cultivate a sense of self-respect and integrity, you can be objective and have the energy to listen to and validate others as needed.
Focus on your goals and priorities: Remain laser focused on achieving your career, personal growth, health, relational, and other life goals. Make your fundamental habits and most valuable relationships in your life your utmost priority. Everything else is an outside indulgence or distraction. Choose to give into your temptations wisely. Prioritize your life to ensure you make room for pleasure, love, abundance, and joy. You have the ability to give to others freely once you’ve already filled up your own cup.
Remember everything takes time and experience: No one has it all figured out. It’s okay if you’re not where you expected to be or desire to be at this stage of your life. Stop comparing yourself – we all have our own paths. Choose to do one small thing every day to make your life better – either a step towards reaching a goal or indulging in a deep desire. Ensure there’s a healthy (not necessarily equal) balance between the two. Leave your future self better than you found your past self. Express compassion towards yourself and acknowledge that you’re doing your best. Everything starts to make considerably more sense in hindsight.
1. Not living in the moment. Always wishing you were somewhere else, doing something different with other people.
2. Blaming your problems on your past. Although the past affects us, it need not define us. We can choose, decide and act – and take control of our lives. Don’t let the heartache from the past define who you become.
3. Running away from problems. It’s crazy just to bury your head in the sand and act like things are fine when you’re dealing with a mess. Face reality, take action, and work to turn life round.
4. Being ungrateful. Being thankful sets you free in your heart and mind. It inspires all that’s good - and, also, oils relationships. But an ungrateful person will wear others down. It destroys your spirit, so you feel sad and depressed.
5. Being angry and bitter. Refusing to forgive, and bearing grudges against others, will slowly poison your life and your personality. It’s much better to release them and to focus, instead, on living a happy and fulfilling life.
6. Letting your expectations rule your life. Life rarely goes smoothly and according to plan – and people disappoint us and let us down. Accepting this is normal takes some tension out of life.
7. Disrespecting yourself and others. Every single person deserves respect, and every single person is fighting their own battle. So focus on being kind, understanding and forgiving.
8. Neglecting important relationship. A relationship that’s built on unconditional love – where a person accepts us for who and what we are
– is truly a gift and is worth fighting for. Don’t take it for granted
– recognise that it’s a gift.
9. Loving people who are bad for us. Not every person will build into your life. Be aware of those who who’ll use you, or who want to bring you down, or who want to hurt you, or destroy your confidence.
10. Never taking risks. If you always play it safe, you’ll find you end up going nowhere. You must be ready to take risks - or you will miss so much in life.
Stopped taking on/internalizing people’s emotions sooner and never apologizing for my needs
Not allow myself to feel responsible for other people’s drama
Took warning signs of people’s codependency and victim narratives more seriously earlier in life
Reached out to others that earned my trust for support and allow myself to be more honest/vulnerable with them rather than resorting to hyper independence
Spoke up for my genuine needs and desires more
Expressed and follow-through on my “no” consistently and unapologetically
Let go of the belief that guilt trips can be worth emotionally entertaining or investing in
Learned that it is okay to disappoint people. Understanding that I don’t exist to make others happy or comfortable
Most Important Life Lessons:
When evaluating who is trustworthy, see whose words and values consistently line up with their actions. Those who contradict and make exceptions for themselves are too self-involved to see you as fully human
Always live your life for yourself. Discover your personal values and aspirations. Do what you need to do to live in alignment with who you truly are, and don’t let others’ opinions stop you from working towards your goals. Don’t make personal life decisions based on other people’s feelings or opinions
You’re always allowed to say no or leave a situation/relationship if you feel drained or disrespected
Your chosen family can or cannot be comprised of people who share DNA or are related by marriage. All that matters is that you have mutual respect and unwavering support from the people who have earned this role in your life
Emotionally distance yourself from anyone in your life who dismisses your emotions or experiences, attempts to obtain ownership of your life experiences when they fit their narrative, or expects you to put their needs above your own
Taking well-thought-out social and professional risks can greatly enrich your life
Don’t be afraid to reach out to ask for help, advice, or connection. Most other people want the same thing and are happy to chat if they’re available. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to fix everything yourself. Only selfish people have these unrealistic expectations of you
Your health and sanity are your most important assets
When in doubt, advocate for yourself. Learn to discern when to express empathy and/or when to double down & stand your ground
There are (next to) no rules for living a productive and fulfilling life. Once your basic needs are met, and all essential bills/taxes are paid, the only genuine success metric of your life path is whether it allows you to feel generally fulfilled and satisfied on a daily basis
Set and stick to your boundaries. Prioritize interdependent relationships. Avoid codependency like the plague
Learn to praise yourself for all of your wins – big and small. Life is hard enough. Find ways to celebrate yourself as often as you realistically can – even if it’s just getting up on time or cooking a healthy meal that day
Femme Fatale Guide: Small Ways To Elevate Your Life
Fashion & Beauty:
Wear coordinated lingerie (bra and underwear) under your outfit daily
Keep at least one pair of shapewear/sculpting underwear in your closet to streamline your look under form-fitting clothes
Invest in high-quality socks and hosiery (I love everything from HUE!)
Curate a collection of basics tanks, tees, and long-sleeves that pair well with each type of jeans/trousers/skirt/outerwear option you wear on repeat throughout the week/month
Invest in a timeless black boot (one short and one tall or mid-calf), loafer/flat, pump, and white sneaker that pair well with nearly any outfit
Apply products in the order: liquid, cream, then powder (you can top all of them off with a setting spray if desired)
If you’re confused about what your YLLB (your lips but better) shade is, try to match it to the darker portion of your nipple
Switch off eyes in between mascara coats when applying more than one coat
Apply lip balm before you start doing your makeup so it can absorb into your lips and ensure your lipstick/gloss/tint doesn’t dry out your lips
Health & Wellness:
Get a pill box to house your daily vitamins & supplements; Fill it up on Sunday evening to have all of your supplements in your sight, sorted, and simple to take every day without a second thought
Always take your supplements with food, not coffee, to optimize absorption
Drink a large glass of water within 5-10 minutes of waking up
Invest in beautiful, large salad bowls and/or juice & smoothie glasses to inspire you to eat more salads and greens-filled meals throughout the week
Ensure you’re breathing normally/not stressed when eating to avoid excess bloating; Don’t use straws when possible if you’re prone to trapped gas
Try the diagram breathing technique to calm your nerves when you wake up, when you’re trying to sleep, wind down, or anytime you’re stressed (Place one hand on the center of your chest and the other in the middle of your stomach right below your rib cage)
Learn how to give yourself a sinus massage and an abdominal self-massage to relieve everyday congestion and pain at home
Being wealthy means peace to me. I’m putting the work now so I can live a life free of monetary-linked worries, not so I can be boastful and raunchy.
Wealth to me is waking up in a tropical location in my own comfortable place, having access to fresh and fulfilling fruits and produce, going out to bike around my town in slippers while the sunlight and warm breeze fuel me. Going to the local market and being part of a community. Traveling when I feel like it and treating the world as my playground. Having people around me I love and who love me. Having access to knowledge and sources of life enrichment.
To me being wealthy is not about being bane and materialistic, it’s about having a peace of mind to live and enjoy life at my own terms without having to carry unnecessary financial burdens.
Thinking about how much I love my womanly essence. The fact that there has and will always be only one me. That each fiber of my being radiates the devine essence of creation. I’m a living and breathing work of art, my body is a cherished and exalted temple.
